Thursday, May 20, 2010

They both start with 'V', right?

Went to hospital for a test. Due to panic disorder, I was supposed to be issued a Valium.

The pill that arrived was definitely little and blue, but it was oblong and had PFIZER written on one side.

The pharmacist had misread the doctor's chicken scratch and the nurse brought me a Viagra instead of Valium.

Thankfully, I know what Valium looks like and saw the pill was wrong. Unfortunately, it meant I couldn't have the test because the hysterical laughter every time I thought about it sent my heart rate through the roof.

Monday, April 9, 2007

It's days like these I wish I didn't have ovaries.

Original complaint: "I had hives break out on my crotch/thighs an hour ago. Can I use hydrocortizone cream on them? There's no swelling, smelling, sores or discharge, just itching and little welty hives."

Nurseline response: "It's probably an STD. Call your gynecologist and go in first thing in the morning."

Vaginal itching with no sores, swelling, smelling, or discharge at all equals STD? What rock did you crawl out from under, nurseline lady?

Turned out to be hormonally related and cleared up within 10 minutes of taking a Benadryl.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Remind me to sneeze on you next time.

Where: HealthPartners Como clinic
City: St. Paul
State: MN
Original Complaint: Ran out of allergy pills, was congested. Allegra D is not available OTC here.

There is no such thing as a dust or dustmite allergy.
Dust irritates everyone's nose, resulting in more mucus.
The congestion was probably a cold virus.
Antibiotics will help a virus.

This resulted in me giving him an amused look and asking if he was an intern. Surprise! He was! I wryly asked that if there's no such thing as a dust/mite allergy, what my 32mm hive from the scratch test could have been caused by.

He then went and got the resident.

Who immediately gave me my scrip.

Wonder what the street value is..

When going in for a scrip for Maxalt for a migraine, a scrip for 30 days worth of Darvocet is a perfectly acceptable substitute.

Especially if you didn't ask or read the notes on the patient to discover they're a suicidal depressive.


Thursday, March 8, 2007

Things I've learned from my GYN

Sir, I hope you're not married..

"The speculum can't be hurting you. There are no nerve endings in the lining of the vagina."

(four minutes later..)

A metal speculum kegel-ejected at force can break a human nose and black an eye.

You know your GYN is running on too little sleep when..

While explaining the new lighted, clear plastic speculums, he turns it sideways and does a bad impression of Crow from MST3K with it.

Random bouts of giggling can also kegel-eject a speculum and prolong a pelvic exam by about half an hour. (Although this one didn't hit the new doc in the face..)

Wednesday, March 7, 2007

They both start with "T", right?

City/State or Hospital Name: Regions Hospital, Minnesota
Original Complaint: Vegetarian with meat food poisoning
Learned By: T

Toradol is just as good an anti-nausea medication as Tygan.
When the PA gives you the wrong shot by mistake, Toradol won't keep you from throwing up since it's not an anti-emetic, but you really won't care.
You'll also have to call your friend to drive you home ten minutes later when the walls look like they're melting and you feel all floaty.

The kicker? I knew right as I got the shot. Toradol feels cold upon injection. Tygan hurts like a sonofabitch. In the end, I got my lovely Tygan, and thanks to the Toradol, it didn't burn going in! :)

The Rabbit Lives!

City/State or Name of Hospital: Regions Hospital, Minnesota
Original Complaint: Bladder infection
Learned By: T

Me: "Hi. I have a bladder infection. I am not pregnant. I'm currently getting my period. The dipstick test will lie to you, because for some reason, my pee registers as pregnant. Please have them run the pregnancy test on the six vials of blood you just drew, or we'll argue about my pregnancy status all night."
Nurse: *chuckles, nods* (a few minutes later, returns with concerned look) "Did you know you're pregnant?"
Me: "Did you check it against the blood test?"
Nurse: "The ICON came back positive.."
Me: "Check it against the blood work, please."
Nurse: (argues with me for 20 minutes, gets a doctor)
Me: (explains to doctor)
Doctor: (checks blood) "Nope, definitely not pregnant."
Nurse: "Are you sure?"
Me: "Yes. I'm currently suffering my period and passing clots the size of hamsters. Believe me - NOT PREGNANT."
Nurse: "You could have said that!"
Me: *sigh*

Thing Learned: Always call the doctor first.

Intro to this site.

Hi, my name is Tara. I've got a medical condition that's had me playing hot-potato through the medical establishment for over 20 years. I've had the most bizarre things said to me on the long, frustrating road to a diagnosis. 1

This site is meant to be humorous, and occasionally snarky. It is not meant to bash on doctors. There are good doctors, there are crappy doctors, but all of them put in long hours and deal with a kind of stress I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, and they do it with professionalism and -hopefully- compassion. The ER attendings and interns, especially, have my respect even when I catch them on a bad day, because in addition to my emergency, they've dealt with dozens or hundreds of others and had to do it on too little sleep, too much caffeine, and for far too little thanks.

This is for those of us who leave the offices with either a small chuckle or a big dent in the desk from banging our head on it, and a place to blow off some steam so we don't take it out on the poor doctors and where we can commisserate with others. The road to recovery sometimes really, truly sucks and if you don't laugh, you wind up screaming.


1Acute Intermittant Porphyria - random attacks of excruciating, debilitating abdominal pain with no physical reason and no cure. Currently treating with diet and life changes, and as of April, I will have finally spent one entire year without an ER visit. I've literally spent over 20 years with this, every so often feeling like a badger is ripping its way out of my abdomen, going to the ER, having a zillion and one tests run with no results, being pumped full of demerol and tygan and being sent home because there was nothing they could do without a cause.